yes add me to the list of hopefuls

Behind every woman’s exterior, there is a girl who dreams of more. Before you chastise me on that Oprah Winfrey statement, realize something. It is in our human nature to want more, to look at what we have and always say it isn’t enough. Some channel that into religion, and some greed. But in relationship we do this as well. I hope, when it comes time to have that special person in my life, I will not only take, but give. When I look on the other side of my comforter, I’ll look up to someone who needs me there just as much as I need him. Someone to love me just as passionately and irrevocably as I love him. When I come home from class, he will surprise me from behind, putting his arms around me making everything right in this world. By his embrace alone will I utterly melt into him. In the mean time, I’m comfortable waiting for such a relationship. I know one day, we will finally meet, and somehow he will make me believe in fairy tales. He will make me reconsider everything I have ever known. He and he alone will make believe in love at first sight. He will be everything and nothing I have ever dreamed of, my perfectly imperfect. To have this kind of love in possession is very dangerous and only put in the books. But somehow, someone saw fit to let me experience such tenderness, such fierceness, such emotion that not even the best writer or painter could ever recreate. Yes, I do yearn for more, just like every person who watched a Disney movie. But I believe I long differently. I don’t want a pretty boy who is perfect in every way. No, for I want a man who is so masculine, Hercules covet his skills. I want someone who occasionally swears when he hits his hand with a hammer, but its so gosh darn cute when he tries to hide his embarrassment. Someone who could possibly be the worst dancer in the world, but it wont matter because I will fit perfectly against him. When we dance, everything will be right in the world, because that’s where I belong, in his arms. Now, I have a feeling I am being prepared for this now. When the time is right, it will happen. By writing this, I have finally succumbed to my wants, but I believe they are more of needs. And I cannot wait for the day I will have that in my life, for I have a feeling it might be sooner than I think.

grateful

Today I am grateful,and ashamed. Pride is such a abusive thing for one to have. It leaves you feeling too good, an island in a sea of shame. To try to swim to another island, say to hope, or to love, you have to get off the addictive island and swim. You have to let yourself go to shame, or shall I call it humility. You need to let yourself go, before you can be found again.Today, I swallowed my pride, and jumped. I jumped deep. For one to ask for a blessing, may not be such a hard thing. But for me, it is hard for me to accept I need help. Lucky for me I have ridiculously awesome friends who would drop anything to help. To my FHE family, at first I was concerned, nothing personal, I just didn't like FHE with people who weren't my family. But I am realizing now that you guys really are my family. I dont think I have ever felt this loved, not even at Pine Basin, which is really saying something. When my back kills, you come, no questions asked. Except you did ask me what meds I took, but i'll let that one slide. haha jk. I want you all to know how much I look up to you and truly appriciate your help. I have an awesome family, that is only growing bigger and bigger. I only wish that I can return the favor one day.

my new world!

College...woot!

Why in heavens name, do people say highschool was the best time of your life? LIES! college. I'm happy I waited a year till I went. It gave me time to grow up a little bit. It seems like when I tell people I'm a freshman, they look so surprised, which actually makes me feel better. Atleast i'm not acting like one. I feel like I'm going a million miles per hour, woah...between school and friends, I'm also the ballroom manager and I got a calling..woah! But its so much fun. I need to go home more often though, I do miss my family. I'm making tons of new friends! Some are super cute cough cough haha but great thing about being young and free, is you can stay that way! Just because I go to byui doens't mean I want a relationship! But if i meet someone I really like who knows...so we'll see what happens. But for now i'll stick with my imaginary friend ;D!!

August

Ok so aparently people do read my blog, and then complain when i tell whats on my mind, and not whats in my life ha! funny i know. Well said i'd get on that... SO life right now, its in an inbetween mode, Alot of things are coming up...such as
1. COLLEGE! woot! yes i'm goin to byui but i will get my money back when i graduate with my MAIDEN name! haha! ok we'll see...i'm super stoked to move in on my own finally! ok with other girls still but no ADULTS! woot!
2.One of my best friends is coming home off of his mission! He's in argentina, and he'll be home on october 25! i'm ridiculously excited that he's coming home!
3. One of my good friends is getting married! Which scares me to death! Good luck shae! Well actually alot of my friends are married...i have a wall of shame ;D haha totally kidding..but i really have one...
4. NEW PEOPLE! i'm excited for a whole group of people to start evaluating me for the possibility for mariage or bridesmaid material...ha kidding
hecka yes! bring it on!!!

conformatality

Conform..what a wierd thing... Isnt it strange how we choose to conform? When i think of conform, i think over time we change without knowing. Which is so true, but what point do we choose to conform? And why do we do so? Why choose to make ourselves something we know we're not? For example, I'm not a girl who likes to spend 3 hours on appearances let alone one somedays. Let me be the girl i was destined to be. The one who is comfortable in herself enough to shower and go. I dont like wearing a buunch of makeup. I'm comfortable enough in myself to go without. Why do people know this fact, and still try to dictate my habits for the sake of.... who knows what? i will never understand the need to change someone else, if who they are isn't bad..

Fam{ily}

So, I have had some hard times this last year as it pains me to say. Now i'm not one to admit i'm suffering or anything so I always appriciate all that people do for me. I'm not one for words, actions speak louder anyways. When someone knows me well enough to ask how my day went, and of course i'll say fine... but then they say oh come on... how was it really? ya that is nice. Now in my experience few people have that inate sixth sense...and most of them are my family. I love my family with allmy heart, and of course i need to work on saying it more often and reminding them, but i like to think i show them. Through the laughter, the tears, the wedgies, the mashed potato eating contest, the car rides, the secret icecream...the sister outings. But i couldn't stand it if my family didn't know i loved them.. I mean i have faults...i do yell alot. So from this moment on, I will be the best sister/daughter i can be for them. They deserve so much more. They have been there for me when no one has. I dont even have to tell them things, and i'll get a random hug, or a smile, or a wrestle match...point is is that Family IS Forever. And I would never let mine go for anything. Thanks for showing me a preview of heaven.

Kindness

When people show kindness, what really do they get out of it? I mean how can you really tell if someone is just sayin things out of duty, as opposed to heartfelt meaning. People say i love you all the time, but what really do they feel. I know i love my family...but i hardly ever say it. I'd like to think i show it to some extent. But then i meet people that say it all the time, but hardly ever show it....so what is one to do? Go after what they say or what they do? They say a picture(orr as i would like to think an action) could speak a thousand words..So true. So why do people not show it? Why dont they ever show what they say? How is one to know, that one kind action can change anothers life forever. I know mine has....heck one simple text did. Words are one thing...i almost think maybe a beginner step to affection, showing could be intermediate...and knowing could be advanced. So I ask you avid readers(which no one ever does read it but eh) why choose the beginners level?


I would like to thank the people that have showed me kindness...by not even being kind to me directly. For they are our true leaders in this life. I hope god gives you everything and anything you deserve.

Sucess

What does it really mean to suceed in life? Ah the life long question. Some believe it is to live your life to the fullest. Some say to make it back to our father in heaven. But honestly, i've never thought much about it till now. I dont wholy agree with anything, save one thing. I believe to suceed in life, is to change anothers. I do believe we need to live according to the will of our father, and to live life to its fullest. But when your on your deathbed, your life flashing before you...will you truly remember all of your sins? I know i dont think i would. I'd like to think of the beautiful blessings of others helping me and changing my life. I'd like to think others would do the same. Why focus on the bad things that already happened, especially for the fact you cant change them. But what the greatest feeling in the world is that you know someone thought of an act of kindness you did for them that helped change them. Imagine when we meet our maker, he'll take us in his arms and comfort us. He'll look us straight in the eye, and say thank you, for helping my precious lamb back. Your eyes will be filled with wracked emotion. For all the things you have done wrong in life, he notices all the right things first. What a great feeling it is that you pleased him. And a better feeling...that you didn't do it for him, you did it for fear of his little lamb. Again I say, to suceed in life, is to change anothers.

Contentment

Well life right now can only be described as contentment. I am very content with my life. But when does contentment evaporate to desire? When does contentment turn into an excuse for being lonely, or not what you want? Dont get me wrong i'm still at content, but everyonce in a while..wouldn't it be nice to have something more? All my life i've been content with being That girl. The girl who didn't care if i had someone there for me as long i was there for some one. But alas its time, when that isn't enough. Where in this life i would like someone there who does stuff for me, who cares about me. I know its a selfish request, but once in a while it would be nicefor everyone to experience it. For once to be told i'm beautiful, and that no one would want to change me for any reason...not shape or size or hair or anything. No i dont get that, i dont think i have ever got a sincerecompliment that really went to my heart about ME, and not work that i do. Sometimes i just wish that me was good enough, but that isn't the case aparently.

This world

Last night, I had a severe breaching. As I was writing in my adventure book, explaining the events of my indicisive life, I realized that it really is such a blessing to have great friends in your life. But its a bigger burden if your not willing to share your trials with them. Although it is difficult if you try to explain your trials and they do not understand your true pain. Not a whole lot of people in this world will understand you in life, which is such a depressing thought. Its worse when the people you think you can trust dont understand too. but it is something you truly need to get out of your system, it does help to talk about it. Wont it be great to someday find your best friend in the world...and share everything with them? your likes and dislikes, your happiness and pain..someone to hold you in their arms and whisper words of encouragement when your blue, or even just let you cry against them? Can you tell i'm ready for that? I'm actually not, t hats the wierd thing, commitment itself scares me. But if you really love that person, you'll never want to be without them. Its such a great feeling

complications of the little things

How is it, that some one can screw us over, and you couldn't really care a whole lot, but when registering for classes makes you want to throw your laptop against the wall....why is it you can recieve 50 dollar flowers, and not get as much satisfaction as one letter from someone that truly cares? the range of emotions humans can posses is really baffling if you really think about it..it seems like the more you try, the less it seems they care, but as soon as you stop trying, they show you you really care. When i thought all hope was lost, hope was found. Isn't that odd? How you can just be carying a conversation, and the other person could have a spark of hope, or of friendship, or of love. So why do people say hurtful things? when obviously its not helping anyone. if everyone said nice things, did nice things..i wonder how this world could be..i know that we're all not perfect, but i think if we even tried to bite our tounges a little bit, it could help. I think i will work on that...you never know whose life you could help. Another thing... maybe, when others are trying to help you, showing you they care...i could acknowledge that more..thank peoplemore often, i know it really ticks me off when it seems like people talk to me, but it sounds like they really dont care..like when you spend 30 bucks just to make um feel better from a reallybad day, or send expensive flowers to make them feel special on a special day...i know how i feel, maybe i should start thinking about how others feel

A tale of a two

Do you believe that there is a counter part for us individually? lately i've been wondering, Is there someone-whether a friend, or that other soul mate- who completely understands you and the way you work. Not just 'have an idea' but on a different level. I used to think that there was one for you. But if it happens to be a soul mate, does that mean its the only soul mate for you? Can you possibly only have one? What of arranged marrages that turned into love? Is that 'in love' or a love with a duty? Its not like I have an arranged marrage or anything, but what happens when people love eachother, but arn't inlove? But out of duty -possibly even staying with that person for so long- its an odd realization, but if you marry someone out of duty, is it a form of arranged marrage? I would like to know, one day, what goes into love...obviously i dont think i've ever been in a real relationship. But ithink i have loved someone, but never in love. When ever or whatever is in this afterlife, i would like to ask what is the formula for one to fall 'in love'. Can you have more then one 'soul mate?' I dont think so. I think that God has a plan, and if we pick the wrong one he'll help us get on the right track. I think there are different stages in love, whether its love, in love, pationatly in love...ect. So if we do have a partner, there could be different stages in which we love them. Friends as well, you can have a deep connection, but never be in the same stage of life. Some of us will grow to love our friends, but one day they change and what is important to them is gone, or have altered. One day, I'll find a friend who I can have the same feelings about life with. Some one to laugh with, to cry with, to talk with, to love with...i believe they are one in the same...a tale of a two

So, here comes another day in the life of Vanessa, which I've come to realize is super boring, but for some reason i wouldn't have it anyother way for now. I'm Super excited to start this new diet, which works wonders! and its a short term diet so thats a plus, you loose 2 or 3 lbs a day TOTALLY GREAT! Its called HGC or HCG or something, its where you eat 500 calories a day, and take a suppliment, but you dont even feel hungry after the first couple of days.. My dad lost like 30-50 lbs in one month. I dont have THAT much to loose but i'm treating myself to a shopping spree afterwords. Nothings better then rewarding yourself. Because you and only you know exactly where you went wrong or what you did well so i'm excited for that..
Well this next week i start a new job, parttime but i'm still looking for a job, I think i want to try teaching some privates for other ballroom companies...sometimes i dont give myself credit for how good i have gotten, I was hestitent to try out for ballroom for college...maybe in a couple of years after college. I've officially become a hermit. I have lost all inhibition or pleasure in going out and hanging out with friends. I need to get out more, and actually..its not that i'm dissapointed with my friends, i love them all, but i wish i could find someone i could click with a little more. It seems like none of my friends have the COMPLETE package, one with morals and a personality...It seems like some of my friends are great in the personality department and suck with the church and they dont see all of my views, and dont get me wrong. I will always love them for who they are, but i wish i could find someone with everything. The only people i've met that are like that are all of missions! no bueno! I miss Pine Basin super bad! i think i will take a drive up there one day. Just to look at the stars.... GAH! Oh did i tell you i'm writing a book, just for fun..you should be proud...ah goodness i'm pathetic, just sitten here writing...haha oh i crack myself up!

dear llanta i've turned into a GIRL

ok so i was reading through all of my last posts, o my llanta i'm the biggest whiner EVER! I didn't even mean half of things i say, i just needed to vent... and i'm done venting, so if your reading this i'll probably delete half of the posts I wrote, because i dont really want people, (or just for myself) to think i'm a whiner, cause i'm not...psh I always prided myself in not being one, dang i'm dumb... ANYWAYS So life is headed a whole new direction now that i'm back, meaning..i dont feel so much anamosity towards everyone...which is probably a good thing :D I have decided probably a good thing for my inner chi (list of things to do: try meditation, not the kind you do everymorning when you wake up or whatev, the kind where you dont talk to anyone for a week and cool stuff like that, i think it would put my life in a different perspective) So



This week i decided to mix things up and actually start to let people maybe take a look into...me



here are some things you probably didn't know about me



Sometimes, I like to meet new people, and i dont think there creepo's for actually taking the initative to start conversation...i actually quite enjoy it



My family happens to be my best friends... i swear my family is so histarical, and most of them are under the age of 13,



I happen to love frogs...ALOT. I loved the princess and the frog movie, i was going to see it a bunch o bunch of times but decided against it...i've kissed 98 frogs...yep real ones too



I enjoy NOT being the center of attention...dont get me wrong everyone is their leading actor in their movies of life, but sometimes...its nice just to be the best friend...makes life less dramaful



When i work, I WORK, i feel like i'm slackin if i am..and i hate that feeling...i'd like to think i have an over the top work ethic,



All my life, i've compaired myself to others..i've now learned to be the best me that i can be...



I have always thought I was going into culinary arts of somesort, but lately i want a job more meaningful... like a child psycologist...



I dont want to say i'm ready for a family, or that i want to settle down...but i do want to someday...when i'm around 21, i think thats a good time to start looking



I love singing and dancing, now i'm not the best at either..but i've come to decide i quite enjoy making choreography and i have gotten outstanding reviews from peers about it, which they wouldn't know anybetter but it doesn't hurt my confidence there



I've finally let myself forgive, even if others think i'm just too sweet to let it go..i'm ok with letting go. makes things alot easier.



I do want to go and see the world one day.. and i hate it when people say 'oh you need to do that before you get married' but in reality, i wouldn't want to do it alone, imagine being in a foreign place without anyone for support..and i know i could just take a friend, but when the time comes i'm ready to see the world, at whatever point in my life, if i'm married, i wouldn't be any happier to take a spouse



I have found great comfort in the scriptures, I know people are going to start seeing me as one of those 'goody two shoes' or whatever, and for a while i cared because i didn't want people to think of me that way. People tend to not trust when they here that. And i have always found that listening to peoples problems helps me for whatever reason, so i didn't want people to know that about me...But just because i love my religion, does not make me less understanding, and i hope you can trust me on that one



I learn by example, but somethings i just have to learn by myself...its kind of wierd i know.



I love watching movies...I love quoting them..makes me feel good inside haha

Alot of times i'll catch myself annoying myself, over stupid habits i've had all my life, time to grow up and get rid of those wierd laughs andstuff like that

Sometimes, its better to keep things inside, and oneday let it out, but i'd like to think the one thing that has influeced my life the most not a whole lot of people know, actually barely anyone knows, but i kind of like it that way

Well I've decided to let poeple know the real me, wow that was exilarating