yes add me to the list of hopefuls

Behind every woman’s exterior, there is a girl who dreams of more. Before you chastise me on that Oprah Winfrey statement, realize something. It is in our human nature to want more, to look at what we have and always say it isn’t enough. Some channel that into religion, and some greed. But in relationship we do this as well. I hope, when it comes time to have that special person in my life, I will not only take, but give. When I look on the other side of my comforter, I’ll look up to someone who needs me there just as much as I need him. Someone to love me just as passionately and irrevocably as I love him. When I come home from class, he will surprise me from behind, putting his arms around me making everything right in this world. By his embrace alone will I utterly melt into him. In the mean time, I’m comfortable waiting for such a relationship. I know one day, we will finally meet, and somehow he will make me believe in fairy tales. He will make me reconsider everything I have ever known. He and he alone will make believe in love at first sight. He will be everything and nothing I have ever dreamed of, my perfectly imperfect. To have this kind of love in possession is very dangerous and only put in the books. But somehow, someone saw fit to let me experience such tenderness, such fierceness, such emotion that not even the best writer or painter could ever recreate. Yes, I do yearn for more, just like every person who watched a Disney movie. But I believe I long differently. I don’t want a pretty boy who is perfect in every way. No, for I want a man who is so masculine, Hercules covet his skills. I want someone who occasionally swears when he hits his hand with a hammer, but its so gosh darn cute when he tries to hide his embarrassment. Someone who could possibly be the worst dancer in the world, but it wont matter because I will fit perfectly against him. When we dance, everything will be right in the world, because that’s where I belong, in his arms. Now, I have a feeling I am being prepared for this now. When the time is right, it will happen. By writing this, I have finally succumbed to my wants, but I believe they are more of needs. And I cannot wait for the day I will have that in my life, for I have a feeling it might be sooner than I think.

grateful

Today I am grateful,and ashamed. Pride is such a abusive thing for one to have. It leaves you feeling too good, an island in a sea of shame. To try to swim to another island, say to hope, or to love, you have to get off the addictive island and swim. You have to let yourself go to shame, or shall I call it humility. You need to let yourself go, before you can be found again.Today, I swallowed my pride, and jumped. I jumped deep. For one to ask for a blessing, may not be such a hard thing. But for me, it is hard for me to accept I need help. Lucky for me I have ridiculously awesome friends who would drop anything to help. To my FHE family, at first I was concerned, nothing personal, I just didn't like FHE with people who weren't my family. But I am realizing now that you guys really are my family. I dont think I have ever felt this loved, not even at Pine Basin, which is really saying something. When my back kills, you come, no questions asked. Except you did ask me what meds I took, but i'll let that one slide. haha jk. I want you all to know how much I look up to you and truly appriciate your help. I have an awesome family, that is only growing bigger and bigger. I only wish that I can return the favor one day.

my new world!

College...woot!

Why in heavens name, do people say highschool was the best time of your life? LIES! college. I'm happy I waited a year till I went. It gave me time to grow up a little bit. It seems like when I tell people I'm a freshman, they look so surprised, which actually makes me feel better. Atleast i'm not acting like one. I feel like I'm going a million miles per hour, woah...between school and friends, I'm also the ballroom manager and I got a calling..woah! But its so much fun. I need to go home more often though, I do miss my family. I'm making tons of new friends! Some are super cute cough cough haha but great thing about being young and free, is you can stay that way! Just because I go to byui doens't mean I want a relationship! But if i meet someone I really like who knows...so we'll see what happens. But for now i'll stick with my imaginary friend ;D!!

August

Ok so aparently people do read my blog, and then complain when i tell whats on my mind, and not whats in my life ha! funny i know. Well said i'd get on that... SO life right now, its in an inbetween mode, Alot of things are coming up...such as
1. COLLEGE! woot! yes i'm goin to byui but i will get my money back when i graduate with my MAIDEN name! haha! ok we'll see...i'm super stoked to move in on my own finally! ok with other girls still but no ADULTS! woot!
2.One of my best friends is coming home off of his mission! He's in argentina, and he'll be home on october 25! i'm ridiculously excited that he's coming home!
3. One of my good friends is getting married! Which scares me to death! Good luck shae! Well actually alot of my friends are married...i have a wall of shame ;D haha totally kidding..but i really have one...
4. NEW PEOPLE! i'm excited for a whole group of people to start evaluating me for the possibility for mariage or bridesmaid material...ha kidding
hecka yes! bring it on!!!

conformatality

Conform..what a wierd thing... Isnt it strange how we choose to conform? When i think of conform, i think over time we change without knowing. Which is so true, but what point do we choose to conform? And why do we do so? Why choose to make ourselves something we know we're not? For example, I'm not a girl who likes to spend 3 hours on appearances let alone one somedays. Let me be the girl i was destined to be. The one who is comfortable in herself enough to shower and go. I dont like wearing a buunch of makeup. I'm comfortable enough in myself to go without. Why do people know this fact, and still try to dictate my habits for the sake of.... who knows what? i will never understand the need to change someone else, if who they are isn't bad..

Fam{ily}

So, I have had some hard times this last year as it pains me to say. Now i'm not one to admit i'm suffering or anything so I always appriciate all that people do for me. I'm not one for words, actions speak louder anyways. When someone knows me well enough to ask how my day went, and of course i'll say fine... but then they say oh come on... how was it really? ya that is nice. Now in my experience few people have that inate sixth sense...and most of them are my family. I love my family with allmy heart, and of course i need to work on saying it more often and reminding them, but i like to think i show them. Through the laughter, the tears, the wedgies, the mashed potato eating contest, the car rides, the secret icecream...the sister outings. But i couldn't stand it if my family didn't know i loved them.. I mean i have faults...i do yell alot. So from this moment on, I will be the best sister/daughter i can be for them. They deserve so much more. They have been there for me when no one has. I dont even have to tell them things, and i'll get a random hug, or a smile, or a wrestle match...point is is that Family IS Forever. And I would never let mine go for anything. Thanks for showing me a preview of heaven.

Kindness

When people show kindness, what really do they get out of it? I mean how can you really tell if someone is just sayin things out of duty, as opposed to heartfelt meaning. People say i love you all the time, but what really do they feel. I know i love my family...but i hardly ever say it. I'd like to think i show it to some extent. But then i meet people that say it all the time, but hardly ever show it....so what is one to do? Go after what they say or what they do? They say a picture(orr as i would like to think an action) could speak a thousand words..So true. So why do people not show it? Why dont they ever show what they say? How is one to know, that one kind action can change anothers life forever. I know mine has....heck one simple text did. Words are one thing...i almost think maybe a beginner step to affection, showing could be intermediate...and knowing could be advanced. So I ask you avid readers(which no one ever does read it but eh) why choose the beginners level?


I would like to thank the people that have showed me kindness...by not even being kind to me directly. For they are our true leaders in this life. I hope god gives you everything and anything you deserve.