Contentment

Well life right now can only be described as contentment. I am very content with my life. But when does contentment evaporate to desire? When does contentment turn into an excuse for being lonely, or not what you want? Dont get me wrong i'm still at content, but everyonce in a while..wouldn't it be nice to have something more? All my life i've been content with being That girl. The girl who didn't care if i had someone there for me as long i was there for some one. But alas its time, when that isn't enough. Where in this life i would like someone there who does stuff for me, who cares about me. I know its a selfish request, but once in a while it would be nicefor everyone to experience it. For once to be told i'm beautiful, and that no one would want to change me for any reason...not shape or size or hair or anything. No i dont get that, i dont think i have ever got a sincerecompliment that really went to my heart about ME, and not work that i do. Sometimes i just wish that me was good enough, but that isn't the case aparently.

This world

Last night, I had a severe breaching. As I was writing in my adventure book, explaining the events of my indicisive life, I realized that it really is such a blessing to have great friends in your life. But its a bigger burden if your not willing to share your trials with them. Although it is difficult if you try to explain your trials and they do not understand your true pain. Not a whole lot of people in this world will understand you in life, which is such a depressing thought. Its worse when the people you think you can trust dont understand too. but it is something you truly need to get out of your system, it does help to talk about it. Wont it be great to someday find your best friend in the world...and share everything with them? your likes and dislikes, your happiness and pain..someone to hold you in their arms and whisper words of encouragement when your blue, or even just let you cry against them? Can you tell i'm ready for that? I'm actually not, t hats the wierd thing, commitment itself scares me. But if you really love that person, you'll never want to be without them. Its such a great feeling

complications of the little things

How is it, that some one can screw us over, and you couldn't really care a whole lot, but when registering for classes makes you want to throw your laptop against the wall....why is it you can recieve 50 dollar flowers, and not get as much satisfaction as one letter from someone that truly cares? the range of emotions humans can posses is really baffling if you really think about it..it seems like the more you try, the less it seems they care, but as soon as you stop trying, they show you you really care. When i thought all hope was lost, hope was found. Isn't that odd? How you can just be carying a conversation, and the other person could have a spark of hope, or of friendship, or of love. So why do people say hurtful things? when obviously its not helping anyone. if everyone said nice things, did nice things..i wonder how this world could be..i know that we're all not perfect, but i think if we even tried to bite our tounges a little bit, it could help. I think i will work on that...you never know whose life you could help. Another thing... maybe, when others are trying to help you, showing you they care...i could acknowledge that more..thank peoplemore often, i know it really ticks me off when it seems like people talk to me, but it sounds like they really dont care..like when you spend 30 bucks just to make um feel better from a reallybad day, or send expensive flowers to make them feel special on a special day...i know how i feel, maybe i should start thinking about how others feel

A tale of a two

Do you believe that there is a counter part for us individually? lately i've been wondering, Is there someone-whether a friend, or that other soul mate- who completely understands you and the way you work. Not just 'have an idea' but on a different level. I used to think that there was one for you. But if it happens to be a soul mate, does that mean its the only soul mate for you? Can you possibly only have one? What of arranged marrages that turned into love? Is that 'in love' or a love with a duty? Its not like I have an arranged marrage or anything, but what happens when people love eachother, but arn't inlove? But out of duty -possibly even staying with that person for so long- its an odd realization, but if you marry someone out of duty, is it a form of arranged marrage? I would like to know, one day, what goes into love...obviously i dont think i've ever been in a real relationship. But ithink i have loved someone, but never in love. When ever or whatever is in this afterlife, i would like to ask what is the formula for one to fall 'in love'. Can you have more then one 'soul mate?' I dont think so. I think that God has a plan, and if we pick the wrong one he'll help us get on the right track. I think there are different stages in love, whether its love, in love, pationatly in love...ect. So if we do have a partner, there could be different stages in which we love them. Friends as well, you can have a deep connection, but never be in the same stage of life. Some of us will grow to love our friends, but one day they change and what is important to them is gone, or have altered. One day, I'll find a friend who I can have the same feelings about life with. Some one to laugh with, to cry with, to talk with, to love with...i believe they are one in the same...a tale of a two

So, here comes another day in the life of Vanessa, which I've come to realize is super boring, but for some reason i wouldn't have it anyother way for now. I'm Super excited to start this new diet, which works wonders! and its a short term diet so thats a plus, you loose 2 or 3 lbs a day TOTALLY GREAT! Its called HGC or HCG or something, its where you eat 500 calories a day, and take a suppliment, but you dont even feel hungry after the first couple of days.. My dad lost like 30-50 lbs in one month. I dont have THAT much to loose but i'm treating myself to a shopping spree afterwords. Nothings better then rewarding yourself. Because you and only you know exactly where you went wrong or what you did well so i'm excited for that..
Well this next week i start a new job, parttime but i'm still looking for a job, I think i want to try teaching some privates for other ballroom companies...sometimes i dont give myself credit for how good i have gotten, I was hestitent to try out for ballroom for college...maybe in a couple of years after college. I've officially become a hermit. I have lost all inhibition or pleasure in going out and hanging out with friends. I need to get out more, and actually..its not that i'm dissapointed with my friends, i love them all, but i wish i could find someone i could click with a little more. It seems like none of my friends have the COMPLETE package, one with morals and a personality...It seems like some of my friends are great in the personality department and suck with the church and they dont see all of my views, and dont get me wrong. I will always love them for who they are, but i wish i could find someone with everything. The only people i've met that are like that are all of missions! no bueno! I miss Pine Basin super bad! i think i will take a drive up there one day. Just to look at the stars.... GAH! Oh did i tell you i'm writing a book, just for fun..you should be proud...ah goodness i'm pathetic, just sitten here writing...haha oh i crack myself up!

dear llanta i've turned into a GIRL

ok so i was reading through all of my last posts, o my llanta i'm the biggest whiner EVER! I didn't even mean half of things i say, i just needed to vent... and i'm done venting, so if your reading this i'll probably delete half of the posts I wrote, because i dont really want people, (or just for myself) to think i'm a whiner, cause i'm not...psh I always prided myself in not being one, dang i'm dumb... ANYWAYS So life is headed a whole new direction now that i'm back, meaning..i dont feel so much anamosity towards everyone...which is probably a good thing :D I have decided probably a good thing for my inner chi (list of things to do: try meditation, not the kind you do everymorning when you wake up or whatev, the kind where you dont talk to anyone for a week and cool stuff like that, i think it would put my life in a different perspective) So



This week i decided to mix things up and actually start to let people maybe take a look into...me



here are some things you probably didn't know about me



Sometimes, I like to meet new people, and i dont think there creepo's for actually taking the initative to start conversation...i actually quite enjoy it



My family happens to be my best friends... i swear my family is so histarical, and most of them are under the age of 13,



I happen to love frogs...ALOT. I loved the princess and the frog movie, i was going to see it a bunch o bunch of times but decided against it...i've kissed 98 frogs...yep real ones too



I enjoy NOT being the center of attention...dont get me wrong everyone is their leading actor in their movies of life, but sometimes...its nice just to be the best friend...makes life less dramaful



When i work, I WORK, i feel like i'm slackin if i am..and i hate that feeling...i'd like to think i have an over the top work ethic,



All my life, i've compaired myself to others..i've now learned to be the best me that i can be...



I have always thought I was going into culinary arts of somesort, but lately i want a job more meaningful... like a child psycologist...



I dont want to say i'm ready for a family, or that i want to settle down...but i do want to someday...when i'm around 21, i think thats a good time to start looking



I love singing and dancing, now i'm not the best at either..but i've come to decide i quite enjoy making choreography and i have gotten outstanding reviews from peers about it, which they wouldn't know anybetter but it doesn't hurt my confidence there



I've finally let myself forgive, even if others think i'm just too sweet to let it go..i'm ok with letting go. makes things alot easier.



I do want to go and see the world one day.. and i hate it when people say 'oh you need to do that before you get married' but in reality, i wouldn't want to do it alone, imagine being in a foreign place without anyone for support..and i know i could just take a friend, but when the time comes i'm ready to see the world, at whatever point in my life, if i'm married, i wouldn't be any happier to take a spouse



I have found great comfort in the scriptures, I know people are going to start seeing me as one of those 'goody two shoes' or whatever, and for a while i cared because i didn't want people to think of me that way. People tend to not trust when they here that. And i have always found that listening to peoples problems helps me for whatever reason, so i didn't want people to know that about me...But just because i love my religion, does not make me less understanding, and i hope you can trust me on that one



I learn by example, but somethings i just have to learn by myself...its kind of wierd i know.



I love watching movies...I love quoting them..makes me feel good inside haha

Alot of times i'll catch myself annoying myself, over stupid habits i've had all my life, time to grow up and get rid of those wierd laughs andstuff like that

Sometimes, its better to keep things inside, and oneday let it out, but i'd like to think the one thing that has influeced my life the most not a whole lot of people know, actually barely anyone knows, but i kind of like it that way

Well I've decided to let poeple know the real me, wow that was exilarating

Perfection

To be who you really want to be... isn't that our life goal?
When is it that we decide what we are. I think i've always known WHAT i am... but when will i find out who am i? who do i want to be? I know I want to make a difference. but how? I love what i am, I am a GOOD girl. I dont drink, or do drugs, and for the most part i dont swear. But who am i? those are all things i do. I want to be vanessa, the girl you can look up to, the fun loving , forgiving, compationate,realistic, person i can be. So at what point? what point can i look back and say i know who i am? I think today can be that day. The day where i've figured out what i want in life. I just want to be important....to my family, to friends...i dont have to be famous, or recieve any prizes for things... i just want to be a good example. Where when i have kids, they say...My mom is incredible.... I believe perfect is a mind frame....what is keeping us from being perfect? ourselves...you can be the perfect you... or you can live with the knowledge your not living up to your full potentional....We all strive to live perfect...when in fact some are.... could we possibly gain perfectness? i think so... i believe we cant live our life in the perfect way of christ... that i am sure we cant. but we can sure try, but i do believe we can be perfect. so...am i perfect? lets make a list of goals
What i want to be
profound
compationate
positive
fun lovin
outgoing
spunky
couragous
now am i livingup to my full potential? no i am not....will i live up to my full potential....yes i will.

"In order to make a difference in this life, you must first be different."
Now you may ask, how will i make a difference? I will achieve perfection.